I’ve watched several friends stay in abusive marriages, and several divorce because of abuse. There are many reasons why people choose to stay in these relationships, though it’s hard to image why. I’ve listed some reasons at the bottom of this post, but lets attack the topic of boundaries for a moment:
We need boundaries. Without boundaries we will become victims of abuse and adopt a powerless mindset. We should have a standard set for ourselves of how we will allow others to treat us. If people do not treat us as we have designated, then we should not listen or continue in relationship. Here are some things that we should require, and reject, in relationships and conversations. These actions will encourage hope and self-control (empowerment), and help us escape abusive relationships. Boundaries cause the abuser to face the consequences of their own decisions while empowering us with the choice to leave if they don’t treat us with respect.
– 2 Chron. 7:14 – IF my people, my God-defined people, respond by (1)humbling themselves, (2)praying, (3)seeking my presence, and (4)turning their backs on their wicked lives, I’ll be there ready for you: I’ll listen from heaven, forgive their sins, and restore their land to health.
What we should require & reject:
- Humility instead of pride & arrogance
Verbal abuse, or other means of belittling you, should not be tolerated.
- Requests (prayer) instead of demands
Use of fear tactics, physical abuse, or other means of control, should not be tolerated.
God gave us dominion over everything but people. We need to respect others and protect their ability to make their own choices. If their choice is to abuse you, then you need to make the choice to leave. - Seeking presence instead of things
If someone wants something from you, without wanting a relationship with you, then its un unhealthy relationship. This should not be tolerated.
If you are married and your spouse habitually has sex with you without trying to connect on an emotional level, it’s abuse.
- Turn away from wrongdoing instead of continuing to wrong you
Refusing to change, though you respectfully ask and show them how they are hurting you, should not be tolerated.
Notice also that God waited for these 4 things from His safe place, Heaven.
– Heb. 10:26 – For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins
If you are in an abusive marriage, you need boundaries. Consider a temporary separation if you do not want a divorce. Once faced with the consequences of their choices, if they repent then go back to them:
– 1 John 1:9 – If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins
If they do not repent then divorce them:
– Rom. 6:23 – For the wages of sin is death
There are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Here are a few:
– My partner will kidnap the children and disappear.
– My partner will spread horrible rumors about me.
– I’m nothing. I don’t deserve better.
– I was brainwashed to believe that I couldn’t cope without my partner.
– I’m more comfortable with what I know, than the unknown out in the world.
– My children will blame me and resent me.
– My partner will turn the children against me.
– My partner doesn’t let me out of the house.
– I have no friends or family to call for help anymore.
– I believe my partner when he or she says that it will never happen again.
– My marriage vows.
– My religion.
– I love her or him.
– My partner has all the money.
– My partner charges up all my credit cards.
– My partner will lose her or his job if I report this.
Other reasons why women stay in abusive relationships
Make a list of your reasons and confront them. Get out of the situation. There are churches, programs, and safe houses designed specifically to help you. It’s scary facing these reasons, but its wisdom to escape the cause of these abuses. Say no to the abuser and leave them today.
– Prov. 3:5-6 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight
– Ps. 18:6-19 – In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountains shook; they trembled because he was angry. Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth, burning coals blazed out of it. He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under his feet. He mounted the cherubim and flew; he soared on the wings of the wind. He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him— the dark rain clouds of the sky. Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced, with hailstones and bolts of lightning. The Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded. He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy, with great bolts of lightning he routed them. The valleys of the sea were exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare at your rebuke, Lord, at the blast of breath from your nostrils. He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.
– Ps. 28:7 – The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.
– Jer. 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
lovedisciple 
good points. my family emotionally and spiritually abuses me every time we speak. I have prayed and kept with them for over a decade and they have just gotten worse.
What do you think I should do ?
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Get the book ‘Boundaries’ by Cloud & Townsend. Every word of it will blow your mind. Coming from an abusive background, my boundaries were stark opposite of what they should’ve been. He’ll talk about that. I suggest it to everyone, especially those from abusive situations.
You need to set a boundary with your family and clearly communicate to them how they are hurting you. I feel ______, when you do ______. Example: ‘I feel unloved and worthless when you talk to me like this. I’m going to leave the room, and when you have calmed down we can talk through this issue together.’ Habitual abusers will push you to the point of leaving the room, so be ready to back up your boundaries with action. If leaving the room isn’t enough, the leave the house, or call the cops, or whatever it takes to let them know that their abuse is not invited. Forgive them and wish them no harm. Help them if they ask for help, but set the boundaries. If it means not talking to them, then make it clear that they can call you when they can speak to you respectfully.
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Awesome post!! Yes, having boundaries is so important. I have said before that I “drew the line in the sand”… but the problem was that I kept moving the “line”. We have to make boundaries and stick to them for when we change our boundaries, the behaviors continue and even worsen because narcissistic people just take more and more. Thanks for sharing this!
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Reblogged this on The Abuse Expose' with Secret Angel.
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Reblogged this on Armor Of God Foundation.
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Amen! Yes boundaries will sanctify a marriage and lead the spouse to repentance. However in an abusive marriage this is most likely not the case the abuser will no longer see their victim as valued in the relationship and toss her away. God finally opened up my eyes when he showed me the verse, ” I desire justice and judgment rather than sacrifice”. I was trapped in a mindset believing he would change and that I needed to endure the abuse so he could be saved. No Jesus is freeing me from an abusive marriage. My stbx is divorcing me. He left me with nothing. No money, Not a job, not a car in over a year or a place to live. God is good and provided me two jobs and helping me save up for a car.
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Very well put. Abuse is a horrible thing for anyone to go through. I’ve seen my mother and my sister suffer at the hands of sexual abuse and it is something that I vowed I would never tolerate in myself or in those around me. I try to live like Jesus and love no matter what. I will not victimize for whatever reason. I would rather be a doormat than the person who steps on it just because they can.
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I totally agree. My son went through this…verbal, mental, and emotional abuse and his wife deserted him because we came to visit. She was doing all these things to him and we had no idea. She tried to isolate him from us and basically threatened him that if he didn’t do what she wanted she was going to ruin him and she came pretty close to doing so. The good thing is that we realized what was happening when we came to visit. We were able to get involved and help him through the heartbreak…now he’s to the point where he’s ready to get on with his life. This has made him a stronger person…the only sad thing is that she took off with his son and is doing the same thing to him, now, but absolutely nothing that can be done and he did everything he possibly could.
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I’ll be praying for your grandson, and for the situation ~ ❤
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Thank you very much!
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